The Strength — and Worth — of a Good Apology

Being and conveying that you’re sorry turns out to be an important life skill

Many years ago, I managed a mediation program in Seattle where 400 lawyers worked pro bono to resolve cases pending in Superior Court. Most of what we handled were car accidents, and my boss at the time — who had founded the program, and was a persuasive, folksy and very successful defense lawyer himself — told me terrible tales about how very far cases could get once individuals lawyered up, that could have been settled long before with a simple apology. “All I wanted was for him (usually, the other driver) to visit me in the hospital and apologize,” he would tell me clients would frequently say, but it wasn’t until after the case was finally heard in court — and years of stress and distress had ensued — that the other side would take the opportunity, if ever, to say they were actually sorry. Often, they had explicitly been told not to, on the advice of their lawyer.

My boss was acutely aware of the many socio-emotional as well as legal costs that litigation instead of an apology would incur. He regularly talked about people who lost their health, their families, their homes — truly, he was a real believer in the alternative dispute resolution process, of which mediation was just one example. He often preached that “justice delayed” meant “justice denied” to individuals and families, and part of the beauty of the program he designed, which later was adopted by the local court…